Traveling roads unseen; following the Voice up to the Higher Places…to freedom.

December 1^st, 2018, I drove out of Philadelphia, having been sent off with love by a few of my wonderful friends.  I was headed for the Blue Ridge Mountains in North Carolina.  Despite all the uncertainty that lay ahead of me, I felt invigorated and alive; more than I had in a very long time. 

I stopped in D.C. and Virginia along the way to catch up with a couple of friends.  One of them a woman I had done a summer mission project with 18 years earlier, whom I hadn’t seen or communicated with since that time – until we ran into each other at an event a few months prior. 

Every connection in our life is for a reason and in the Body of Christ they last beyond time and space, renewed in perfect and precious moments. 

Why the blue ridge range in NC?  Well, I knew NC was a significant part of this path from the way it had been brought up in my spirit as I’ve mentioned. When I looked on the map and saw the mountains, I thought they would be a perfect spot to hide away a few days.  Where I stopped would be determined by what I found when I got there.  A couple of weeks before I left I was given a sign or 3, in an unrelated town, that I was headed in the right direction.

I arrived in Banner Elk, NC around 10pm.  It was charming, quaint, lit up with Christmas lights and signs advertising an upcoming ‘Small-town Christmas’ celebration.  In the morning I learned of a nearby year-round campground from a kind southern gentleman at the chamber of commerce.  I then prepared for my first real stint of roughing it on my own. I spent 3 nights there and on the second day, it snowed.  It was beautiful.  And don’t worry, I was nice and toasty in my car at night as I had planned for the possibility of cold snowy weather.  I picked a more secluded spot, at the top of the hill the campground was built on/around so I felt safe from any accidental visitors. After successfully building a fire two nights in a row – one of them after it had snowed – I felt proud and capable.

I could do this.

After it had snowed, I went for a shprt hike along a snowy trail.  Climbing up onto a boulder, set in the side of the hill, I could see down to my car and a bit of the camp ground below; I felt like a watchman, strong and at an advantage.  On the way back down, the wind blew gently and pushed some snow from the bare twiggy branches.  A small batch the size of a large puffy snowflake was falling toward me and as I watched, it collided into another twig and burst into a thousand bits and fell on me like powder. It brought child like delight to my heart and reminded me again of why I was there. 

I had chosen this area because I wanted to begin my journey away from any distractions and spend focused time seeking and listening to the Lord.  I hoped to glean some insight into what this thing was all about; why had the Lord set me on the path that seemed so illogical and even foolish? 

I didn’t get much in the way of long term answers; at least not what my, ‘I like to know what is coming so I can be as prepared as possible and succeed’ self, wanted.  What did come through was a confirmation of how God wanted me to approach this and what His main agenda was: ‘One day at a time’ and ‘Let me show you how to let me love you, so you can learn how to love me deeper’.   

  The bursting snow.  The successful fires and the beauty found in the flames and embers.  The boulder in the side of the hill.  The stars brilliantly shining above the reaching, bare branches in the winter’s night sky. Being in the mountains (or something resembling them.) And the gps issue on the way to DC that forced me to get off the freeway, where I found a really good quality winter coat at such a good deal I couldn’t pass it up, not knowing I was going to need it in a few days rather than in several weeks.

All of them gifts of love, tailor-made just for me. 

It is a difficult thing if you aren’t accustomed to it; letting yourself be loved completely.  I’m still getting used to it, but God is the most patient of givers and waits with this incredible anticipation for the giving to be received… the fulfillment of which happens when we begin to return it to Him in ways beyond the typical.  And I am happy to get to literally spend forever learning and living it. a

Many people have asked what brought me to the decision to leave everything and live a lifestyle of vagabond car-camping for an undetermined amount of time.  Most often, this question is out of concern for me; and I get it.  Who leaves all semblance of security, packs into their car and travels with no specific destination or plan?  Certainly not single women in their late 30’s! (I do not want to cause worry or issue for anyone, but I have to follow the path of my own life while still doing my best to be mindful of the impact it may have on others.)

The answer is simple, yet complex and began a couple of years ago. I’ll try my best to answer the question in chapters while sharing stories of the adventures I encounter along the way. Hopefully you’ll find yourself challenged, inspired, and encouraged through what I have learned, and still am. Around April of 2018 I began receiving the impression from the Spirit that something was going to happen in June.  I felt it might have something to do with work and the knowledge of the season ending nudged me again.  June rolled around and everything was going really well.  I thought,

‘Maybe a connection or opportunity will come from this work setting since things have calmed down’. 

It had taken me several months to help the children I had been working with get to a space of fairly consistent peace and joy and we had experienced about a month and a half with no major arguments, problems, or melt downs.  North Carolina had also been rising in my spirit since about April.  At first I though it was just because I was going there with work on their family vacation, but it felt deeper than that.  During that trip to the Outer Banks everything changed, and I found myself heading back to Pennsylvania a few days early, ferrying a car filled with my things and some of theirs.

As I left for home early in the morning, I stopped for a coffee and to take a few minutes to think and pray on one of the many docks of the Outer Banks.  As I stared out at the ocean I was still feeling a bit stunned, but also, since I had been given notice of coming change, a steady peace took dominance. This was just part of the plan, however discouraging and unpleasant in the moment.

 I chose a route back that took me through Virginia Beach, where I had spent a summer working with Campus Crusade sixteen years earlier, ministering to the community and growing in leadership and self.  I visited the souvenir/t-shirt shop I had worked at and walked past a few spots where we would hang out with our co-workers or the friends we made on the beach.  It was a remembrance of all the different places, people, and experiences I have been blessed with in my life…. and a whisper of promise that all of that is about to be put to very good use. 

An abrupt job change wasn’t the only bizarre thing I had experienced during my 5 days in the Outer Banks.  Being basically a strip of land between the ocean and the continent, they get AMAZING thunder and lightning storms. One particular night I had to run out into the rain and roll up the car windows I had left cracked open. The wind was so strong that the front door of the house slammed forcefully behind me as I went back inside and I was soaked from the brief sprint into the dark and back.

The storm was fierce and dazzling with countless flashes of lightning accompanied by loud, deep, and long rolls of demanding thunder!  I stood watching through the windows at the front of the 3-story house we were in.  The storm was moving its way over us, so I ran through the house to the covered deck in the back, facing the ocean.  But the storm stood still.  I stood, waiting in anticipation, for probably 10 min and started feeling disappointed. ‘Why isn’t it moving?’, I asked out loud (to myself… I do that). 

Wind has often held a supernatural presence for me. Several times in the past, when I’ve been out in nature and begun to sing/worship, the wind would in turn begin to blow and swirl around me.  That night it happened again.  I began to worship with song, softly, and as I did the wind started blowing with great force again and the storm moved.  It was right over us. 

I laughed in response to the thrill of it and said out loud, breathlessly, “You’re here!”.  Immediately after I spoke those words, the lightning show began again, with full force. It was overhead for a few minutes, then just out in front of us.  Twice, lightning flashed so close to us that not only did we hear, but also felt the pop of it in the air. One of those times the lightning was so close I saw it ‘fizzle’ just beyond the corner of the deck covering, to the left.  The other time it seemed to hit the sand of the ‘dune’ nearby that separated us from the beach, just to our right. A third one flashed just above and directly in front of us, just a bit beyond the deck, splitting into 3 prongs. 

I stayed outside long after the others had gone inside and into bed.  When the rain had slackened to a drizzle and it seemed safe enough, I went over the dune and sat on the beach, wanting to watch the storm over the ocean.  Sadly, it had mostly dissipated by that time so I finally, though reluctantly went back into the house feeling happy and content. I fell asleep still enjoying the thrill of intensity from being in the middle of something so full of wonder and mystery and raw power.   

It was a holy moment for me.

Something which made it especially so was that a couple of months prior I had practiced the blessing of a prolonged fast, the longest I’ve done.  One of my main prayers was (and still is), ‘Show me your glory, like you did to Moses, that I may know you (as I would a closest of friends) and so be able to walk in your ways well’.  The remarkable interaction with the storm was a beautiful gift of reminder that God hears me and answers.  And though I still expectantly waiting for an encounter with the literal Glory of God, as much as my physical self is able to withstand, the Goodness of God (always connected with the Glory) has been transforming my life in many ways; small and sometimes difficult to articulate well, but as they build into the whole it is vast and will encompass the whole of me.  I hope to be able to articulate these things to you in what comes through the entries of this blog. 

Back in Philly, I took a week to think about how to proceed.  Not being sure what the next phase would look like, I decided not to take another long-term position until I had a better idea of what the next steps would be.  In the months that followed I worked a short term/part-time job for a new mom dealing with post-partum depression, followed by a short and traumatic placement in a position I had accepted due to feeling the pressure of needing to work and be responsible until plans became clear. That brief experience shook me enough that I stopped being hesitant to step out without any kind of guarantees; especially considering I had been given a warning dream not to accept it, but did so anyway motivated by ‘logic’ and fear. Once I had made the decision to strike out I took one last 3-day job –which turned into a month and a long term job offer, which I declined. I said no to the last one because I knew if I continued trying to sort out the unknown and mysterious, while spending most of myself and my time in the familiar and safe, I wouldn’t get far…. and I wasn’t about testing the Lord again while he was saying, “Trust me.  Let go and let me show you”.

.…. For now, I’ll end with an encouragement for you to look for the little moments in your day.  There are mysterious and wonderful things happening all around, both to and for you.  Little things to bring a smile or laugh, or a breath of peace and gratitude in the chaos. They gather into your weeks and your months and, when you look at the whole, convey a beautiful impression of the Love that is held out to you every day, waiting in expectant joy for you to receive it.  Simply, receive.

The Journey Begins