Many people have asked what brought me to the decision to leave everything and live a lifestyle of vagabond car-camping for an undetermined amount of time. Most often, this question is out of concern for me; and I get it. Who leaves all semblance of security, packs into their car and travels with no specific destination or plan? Certainly not single women in their late 30’s! (I do not want to cause worry or issue for anyone, but I have to follow the path of my own life while still doing my best to be mindful of the impact it may have on others.)
The answer is simple, yet complex and began a couple of years ago. I’ll try my best to answer the question in chapters while sharing stories of the adventures I encounter along the way. Hopefully you’ll find yourself challenged, inspired, and encouraged through what I have learned, and still am. Around April of 2018 I began receiving the impression from the Spirit that something was going to happen in June. I felt it might have something to do with work and the knowledge of the season ending nudged me again. June rolled around and everything was going really well. I thought,
‘Maybe a connection or opportunity will come from this work setting since things have calmed down’.
It had taken me several months to help the children I had been working with get to a space of fairly consistent peace and joy and we had experienced about a month and a half with no major arguments, problems, or melt downs. North Carolina had also been rising in my spirit since about April. At first I though it was just because I was going there with work on their family vacation, but it felt deeper than that. During that trip to the Outer Banks everything changed, and I found myself heading back to Pennsylvania a few days early, ferrying a car filled with my things and some of theirs.
As I left for home early in the morning, I stopped for a coffee and to take a few minutes to think and pray on one of the many docks of the Outer Banks. As I stared out at the ocean I was still feeling a bit stunned, but also, since I had been given notice of coming change, a steady peace took dominance. This was just part of the plan, however discouraging and unpleasant in the moment.
I chose a route back that took me through Virginia Beach, where I had spent a summer working with Campus Crusade sixteen years earlier, ministering to the community and growing in leadership and self. I visited the souvenir/t-shirt shop I had worked at and walked past a few spots where we would hang out with our co-workers or the friends we made on the beach. It was a remembrance of all the different places, people, and experiences I have been blessed with in my life…. and a whisper of promise that all of that is about to be put to very good use.
An abrupt job change wasn’t the only bizarre thing I had experienced during my 5 days in the Outer Banks. Being basically a strip of land between the ocean and the continent, they get AMAZING thunder and lightning storms. One particular night I had to run out into the rain and roll up the car windows I had left cracked open. The wind was so strong that the front door of the house slammed forcefully behind me as I went back inside and I was soaked from the brief sprint into the dark and back.
The storm was fierce and dazzling with countless flashes of lightning accompanied by loud, deep, and long rolls of demanding thunder! I stood watching through the windows at the front of the 3-story house we were in. The storm was moving its way over us, so I ran through the house to the covered deck in the back, facing the ocean. But the storm stood still. I stood, waiting in anticipation, for probably 10 min and started feeling disappointed. ‘Why isn’t it moving?’, I asked out loud (to myself… I do that).
Wind has often held a supernatural presence for me. Several times in the past, when I’ve been out in nature and begun to sing/worship, the wind would in turn begin to blow and swirl around me. That night it happened again. I began to worship with song, softly, and as I did the wind started blowing with great force again and the storm moved. It was right over us.
I laughed in response to the thrill of it and said out loud, breathlessly, “You’re here!”. Immediately after I spoke those words, the lightning show began again, with full force. It was overhead for a few minutes, then just out in front of us. Twice, lightning flashed so close to us that not only did we hear, but also felt the pop of it in the air. One of those times the lightning was so close I saw it ‘fizzle’ just beyond the corner of the deck covering, to the left. The other time it seemed to hit the sand of the ‘dune’ nearby that separated us from the beach, just to our right. A third one flashed just above and directly in front of us, just a bit beyond the deck, splitting into 3 prongs.
I stayed outside long after the others had gone inside and into bed. When the rain had slackened to a drizzle and it seemed safe enough, I went over the dune and sat on the beach, wanting to watch the storm over the ocean. Sadly, it had mostly dissipated by that time so I finally, though reluctantly went back into the house feeling happy and content. I fell asleep still enjoying the thrill of intensity from being in the middle of something so full of wonder and mystery and raw power.
It was a holy moment for me.
Something which made it especially so was that a couple of months prior I had practiced the blessing of a prolonged fast, the longest I’ve done. One of my main prayers was (and still is), ‘Show me your glory, like you did to Moses, that I may know you (as I would a closest of friends) and so be able to walk in your ways well’. The remarkable interaction with the storm was a beautiful gift of reminder that God hears me and answers. And though I still expectantly waiting for an encounter with the literal Glory of God, as much as my physical self is able to withstand, the Goodness of God (always connected with the Glory) has been transforming my life in many ways; small and sometimes difficult to articulate well, but as they build into the whole it is vast and will encompass the whole of me. I hope to be able to articulate these things to you in what comes through the entries of this blog.
Back in Philly, I took a week to think about how to proceed. Not being sure what the next phase would look like, I decided not to take another long-term position until I had a better idea of what the next steps would be. In the months that followed I worked a short term/part-time job for a new mom dealing with post-partum depression, followed by a short and traumatic placement in a position I had accepted due to feeling the pressure of needing to work and be responsible until plans became clear. That brief experience shook me enough that I stopped being hesitant to step out without any kind of guarantees; especially considering I had been given a warning dream not to accept it, but did so anyway motivated by ‘logic’ and fear. Once I had made the decision to strike out I took one last 3-day job –which turned into a month and a long term job offer, which I declined. I said no to the last one because I knew if I continued trying to sort out the unknown and mysterious, while spending most of myself and my time in the familiar and safe, I wouldn’t get far…. and I wasn’t about testing the Lord again while he was saying, “Trust me. Let go and let me show you”.
.…. For now, I’ll end with an encouragement for you to look for the little moments in your day. There are mysterious and wonderful things happening all around, both to and for you. Little things to bring a smile or laugh, or a breath of peace and gratitude in the chaos. They gather into your weeks and your months and, when you look at the whole, convey a beautiful impression of the Love that is held out to you every day, waiting in expectant joy for you to receive it. Simply, receive.
Traveling roads unseen; following the Voice up to the Higher Places...to freedom. 